OMG, like, JILY!
by ShiningSphinx
Summary: How to write a JILY fanfic and all the things you must include. Parody.


How to write the perfect JILY fanfiction.

Your story will, most likely, start as most JILY fics do - and if you don't believe me, take time to browse.

 _"POTTER!"_

If you want to start with the JILY interaction first off.

 _Lily Evans was bored._

If you want to divulge into the summer.

 _I got to Platform 9 3/4_

If you decide to write it as first person which you will, inevitably, ditch at around Chapter 5.

If you decide to start the story with _"POTTER!"_ You best believe Lily has either a) encountered that James is now Head Boy. Did I forget to mention all stories _must_ start at Seventh Year? Or b) Lily has just learned that Potter has done something outrageous or C) she greets him like this because she hates him.

If you write _Lily Evans was bored_ you will then proceed to explain why Lily is bored and it will be because her friends are on holiday. See below for her friends.

If you write it as first person, you will eventually abandon it because you cannot write your Sirius/OC fluff/smut.

Anyway, eventually, you will write about Lily's friends. Regardless of how the story is written, this will be them:

OC 1: The Mary-Sue. Lily and the Mary-Sue have been best friends since first year (Snape who?) She will easily be the sexiest witch, the most popular witch and the witch all the other witches hate, and the witch all the other wizards wished the had. She will be fiercely loyal and have about as much characterisation as a broomstick. She will also either be dating Sirius or hate Sirius and end up with him (most choose the latter). Also, she _must_ have a tragic backstory.

OC 2: Will be pretty but not as pretty as OC1; no one is as pretty as OC1. She will have a less common name and will more or less be a more rounded character than OC1. Not to mention the fact she will blush at Remus throughout the story.

On the rare occasion you choose to have Mary MacDonald and Marlene McKinnon as Lily's friends, Marlene and Sirius must be in love and Mary must be inadequate until the reader remembers that a girl called Mary married Reginald Cattermole, and then you will quickly add that in.

Now you will meet the Marauders.

James will have 'deep pools' for eyes and black hair. He will be tall. End of.

Remus will be blonde. End of.

Sirius, on the other hand (as you are just dying to write about OC1/Sirius) has a 'Quidditch Toned Body' and long waves of dark hair and shining grey eyes.

It is important that you do not give anyone a long character description. That is for OC1 and OC1 alone.

You won't need to mention Peter. He will have conveniently missed the train.

Sirius/OC1 will flirt on the train. James and Lily will argue. Remus and OC2 will be too shy to speak to each other. No one goes on Prefect Patrols. No one wonders why they are all sharing a compartment as James and Lily hate each other and, maybe, because Sirius/OC1 hate each other.

They'll all get to the Great Hall and have the feast. There's no sorting. No new teachers. Just them. James and Sirius will eat loads and OC1 will touch nothing but salad. Remus and OC2 still blush and be unable to communicate.

So next you'll get to the first night.

You might choose to add this as a later chapter, but it is popular it happens on the first night.

The girls will be locked out of the dormitory.

As it is only OC1, OC2 and Lily who share the dormitory, they will, of course, go up to the Boy's Dorms for help, A.K.A the Marauders.

They'll ask for help and James - who _must_ be reffered to as Jamesie-poo by Padsie at least twice - will have a bottle of vodka and suggest they all get drunk. (what alarms me is how are six seventeen-year-olds supposed to get drunk over one bottle of vodka?)

They will all get drunk except Remus and Lily who are good as gold. 'Moon Pie' will ask where they will all sleep. It goes as follows:

Sirius and OC1

James and Lily

Remus and OC2

THIS IS WHERE YOU CAN WRITE YOUR FLUFF!

Sirius and OC1 will make out in the night.

Lily will fall asleep in James's arms and he'll tell her he loves her, and in the warmth of James's Quidditch toned body, Lily will pretend she hasn't heard, but will smile and will have fallen in love.

Remus will confess his undying love for OC2. They will start dating.

There will now be a Hogsmeade trip.

No lessons.

No Voldemort.

No Quidditch.

Sirius and OC1 will go on a date and OC1 _must_ wear very unmagic clothes.

Remus and OC2 will go to Madam Puddifoot's and be too scared to hold hands.

This ultimately leaves James and Lily. Of course, they have no other friends so they _have_ to go together.

They must all kiss.

Now you have your relationships, this is what will happen.

Sirius and OC1: Your favs! Lots of angry sex, lots of arguing and lots of jealous girls. Sirius will also help OC1 get over her troubled past, which might be: abuse/being Muggleborn/heartbreak/drugs/drinking/low self-esteem/bad family. You must not include Sirius's life. OC1 is the issue, not Sirius.

Remus and OC1: Will be very awkward around each other. He must not tell her he is a Werewolf or even mention it.

James and Lily: Will be very cringey, say they love each other a lot, argue a lot.

If Snape is included, he will be like a parasite, constantly telling Lily he loves her.

It will then be Christmas.

If Lily goes home, Petunia must constantly call her a freak. Vernon must grunt a lot.

They'll be back at school now after a chapter.

Voldemort might be back, but they must all take the mickey out of Voldemort and call him Voldy, Voldy Poo, Mouldy Voldy. Remember, no one is scared to use his name.

The rest of the story will include a lot of OC1 and Sirius drama. They'll break up at least ten times, OC1 will cheat on Sirius but he'll take her back because she's damaged and he loves her.

OC2 might get preggo and not tell Remus, but tells OC1 and Lily and they embark on a task to go to Hogsmeade for an abortion cause, you know, Hogsmeade does that ting.

Now, Peter might return.

He'll suddenly be all dark and brooding and deffo a Death Eater by now after finding out the love of his life, OC1 is now going out with his best mate. He'll tell OC1 he loves her but she'll be like ew, you're not hot and leave.

They've now finished Hogwarts, you will now link your readers to another painful story.

They will all be in Dumbledore's Army. OC1 will die and so will OC2 but of course, OC1's death will be much more heroic than OC2.

 **A.N.** Something I wrote out of boredom and common quirks I found in Jily fanfics.

I love JILY fanfics, don't get me wrong, even with OC1 and OC2. If they're well written and you know, good.


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